Oh hi,
I'm that guy.
You know the one.
I'm him.
I promise you know him.
So therefor you know me.
You may not think that you know him, or me, but you do.
I'm the overweight guy. I'm the closeted guy. I'm the soon to be 25 year old virgin. I'm the guy who cycles through thinking he is great to thinking he is the absolute worst. I'm the guy who is overly emotional at the stupid things. I'm the guy who's bark is far worse than his bite. I'm the guy who has no bite. I'm the guy who wishes he was something more than what he is. I'm the guy who is afraid that he will never be anything more than what he is. I'm the guy who's stuck. I'm the guy who hides his lack of self esteem by joking about having no self esteem. I'm the guy who's jokes about self esteem fool a lot of people.I'm the guy who will never be the romantic lead, but will always be the funny friend, the authority figure, the secondhand character. I am the second hand character. I'm that guy. You know me. Hell. You might even be just like me. I'm the guy. You know the one.
There's the old adage, "If it's not broke, don't fix it."
I think I'm broke.
I do not mean that in the monetary sense, though realistically that is true as well, I just have an underlying feeling of being broken. Some people are glass half full, some are glass half empty, I feel more like my glass has a small hairline fracture making it structurally unstable all the while water is slowly leaking from within.
I know that any of those above things can be fixed, I know that I can lose weight, I can come out, I can have sex. I know I can do all of those things, but I think there is something inside of me that says that if I start working on those things then I am accepting that there is something wrong with me. We live in a time currently in which everyone is supposed to feel comfortable with themselves, all while we are all supposed to be accepting of everyone else and their differences. Accepting a self-defeat becomes nearly impossible. I can't acknowledge that I'm fat, or that I think I'm ugly without someone pussyfooting around the fact that I actually am, but they want to be accepting of our differences, because at least they are not the D.U.F.F..
"But you just said that you think you're broke, so you are acknowledging it all, so now fix it."
Actually Karen (no hard feelings to Karen's, you are all just destined to become that person), you are right, I did acknowledge that I am broken, but I did so in a non-committal blog post that does not give away my identity or cause my outside personage to really make any changes.
I guess that is it though.
Karen brings up a good point. I need to start focusing on me. Not in the sense of doing what I like to make me happy, I need to start focusing on finding the stuff that people use to fix broken windshields. I need to fix my glasses hairline fracture.
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As you can maybe see, I am not exactly sure what this all is going to be other than a way for me to keep myself accountable and in check with myself. It most likely is going to be a lot of incoherent run on sentences that are also basically stream of consciousness.
I started a different blog once and that reached a maximum of 74 whole views on one post. That blog became more for me to write and hopefully get people to read and therefore bring me some interest as me as a person. This one, however, is for me. It can be for you as well, but the number of readers is the least of my worries, as you can tell above. Maybe, if anyone even reads this, you will discover something about yourself along the way too. Who knows.
